I can’t help but wonder if some of the choices i’ve made over the years have maybe been the wrong ones.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I have a gorgeous and healthy son who I absolutely adore, but going back to 2007 and I was able to do alot more than I am now, I was healthy and active and until I hurt my shoulder I was blissfully unaware of the HMS and the problems it was about to cause.
I seem to be constantly battling with myself recently with thoughts of how I could have done it differently, if i’d tried harder to keep fit once I was signed off and not sunk into a depression and let the pain overcome me. What if i’d never lifted that wheelchair onto the London Eye and caused the injury which led to my diagnosis, would I be in the state I am now? These are all things that go round and round in my head and it needs to stop. I know its unproductive and it’s not good to dwell on the past as I can’t change what has happened but its also changed my job prospects and when it comes down to it, it’s changed ME.
I was very scatty with what I wanted to do long term, one minute i’d want to be a midwife, the next an actress but back then I could have been either I guess. Now I struggling with even getting out of the house and taking Rocket shopping alone ends up with me exhausted and either in tears or so wound up it’s unreal. I am crap at pacing myself and apparently crap with accepting how things are nowadays and as hard as I try, I can’t seem to move past the fact that just a few short years ago I could have climbed a mountain (maybe not an actual mountain, maybe a medium sized hill.)
After nagging my Pain Consultant, she has agreed to refer me to an occupational therapist in the hope that I can discover what jobs I CAN do… If I could live of blogging and being online I would do that but I can’t see that happening. I also can’t sit in my house for the rest of my life high on codeine, somethings got to change.
Iv’e set myself some small goals for this year to get me out and about and the biggest (and most scary) being Cybher which I am really looking forward too but also praying I can keep up with everyone else! I need to keep remembering to do things that make me happy, that way I can forget my pain.