Dwelling on the past is never good.

I can’t help but wonder if some of the choices i’ve made over the years have maybe been the wrong ones.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I have a gorgeous and healthy son who I absolutely adore, but going back to 2007 and I was able to do alot more than I am now, I was healthy and active and until I hurt my shoulder I was blissfully unaware of the HMS and the problems it was about to cause.

I seem to be constantly battling with myself recently with thoughts of how I could have done it differently, if i’d tried harder to keep fit once I was signed off and not sunk into a depression and let the pain overcome me. What if i’d never lifted that wheelchair onto the London Eye and caused the injury which led to my diagnosis, would I be in the state I am now? These are all things that go round and round in my head and it needs to stop. I know its unproductive and it’s not good to dwell on the past as I can’t change what has happened but its also changed my job prospects and when it comes down to it, it’s changed ME.

I was very scatty with what I wanted to do long term, one minute i’d want to be a midwife, the next an actress but back then I could have been either I guess. Now I struggling with even getting out of the house and taking Rocket shopping alone ends up with me exhausted and either in tears or so wound up it’s unreal. I am crap at pacing myself and apparently crap with accepting how things are nowadays and as hard as I try, I can’t seem to move past the fact that just a few short years ago I could have climbed a mountain (maybe not an actual mountain, maybe a medium sized hill.)

After nagging my Pain Consultant, she has agreed to refer me to an occupational therapist in the hope that I can discover what jobs I CAN do… If I could live of blogging and being online I would do that but I can’t see that happening.  I also can’t sit in my house for the rest of my life high on codeine, somethings got to change.

Iv’e set myself some small goals for this year to get me out and about and the biggest (and most scary) being Cybher which I am really looking forward too but also praying I can keep up with everyone else! I need to keep remembering to do things that make me happy, that way I can forget my pain.



4 thoughts on “Dwelling on the past is never good.

  1. My mother said an interesting thing to me recently, I had stopped bf my son at 6 months as I was struggling to keep up with feeding him and was getting PND. Then I discovered he was allergic to cow’s milk and I wished I’d never stopped bf. My mother told me I’d made the right decision for me at that time and that’s all you can ever do.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself and worry about past decisions and things you could have done, because as you say it’s not a good thing.

    It sounds like you are looking forward and making positive plans for the future which is excellent. I hope you get the help you need to improve the pain issues, it must be incredibly hard to deal with.

    Corinne x

  2. I think HMS can make us question our decisions to a greater depth – because the pain seems to magnify everything else around it. I am (to a degree) better at pacing than I was and don’t (always) feel the need to prove to the world that I can do everything. But goodness me, I’ve been through some deep, dark and questioning times getting to this point.

    I’ve written a load more stuff and deleted it – I can’t find the right words this morning – but the past is the past, you can’t change it – but there is always hope in the future and the love of those around you to hold on to xx

  3. oh hun *hugs* Have you thought about counselling to try to deal with how you’re feeling and where you are right now? You’re an amazing person and you need to focus on that and all the wonderfulness you’re full of right now and not how different you are from back then. We all change, I’ve change from 2007, it’s a case of accepting that we’re maturing and life is hitting us hard.

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