I try to not write much when I am in pain as it can come across rather whiny and i’m sure people don’t want to constantly be reading about which body part is causing me the most pain each week but it is also important that I am open with how I really am on my blog, especially as this blog is about my struggles with HMS.
This week my pain has gone through my normal pain threshold and my back has become very unstable, along with my wrists which feel like someone is intermittently hitting them with hammers. This has made it very difficult to do a lot of things. I was lucky enough to get the majority of errands done yesterday with Aaron being off work but there is no way I could take Rocket out alone without help at the moment. I couldn’t even go out alone without knowing someone was there to help me if i needed. That’s how bad this week is.
Iv’e also been suffering from panic attacks, at least that is what I think they are? I get very shallow breathing and feel like I cant get enough oxygen into my body and it can be very frightening.
I have a friend (@geekisnewchic) who I value a lot who is very inspirational as she has been through a lot to cope with her pain and she is helping me have the courage to fight my pain on the path to accepting who I am and how to deal with life as it presents itself. Its a journey I am just beginning and it terrifies the hell out of me. Pain that is constant gets you so down, it invades your thoughts and tears away strips of your being until all you are is a shell of your former fun loving self which leads to feelings of guilt as you arn’t the wife or mother you long to be, you should be. That is how I feel.
I tried to get an appointment with my pain specialist but she is fully bookend until March! which is actually when my next appointment is anyway. So I called the doctor again this morning, I called yesterday about the same issue but today this doctor (a different one) was more understanding and has upped my muscle relaxants on top of my co codamol and a doctor is scheduled to call on Friday for a medication review and to see if I need to increase it even further. The only problem is they have the side effects of knocking me out and with a 2 year old that’s not always an option, so I am just hoping my body gets used to them enough to give me pain relief without the absolute need to sleep.
At the moment i’m on a codeine high which is a relief as along with the tizanidine it makes me feel ‘loved up’. I guess that’s the euphoric feeling of the opiates. A Lot better than curling in a ball feeling angry at the world in pain.
I guess the biggest thing I need to come to terms with is the fact that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. That is an upsetting thought but not something I can change.
I really wish there was a way I could get a grant or funding for the Gastric Bypass operation, after being turned down by the trust twice. Having a surgeon tell you it’s riskier not to do the operation than to do it really sticks in your head. I guess I can just keep applying.