Living with Chronic Pain.

I try to not write much when I am in pain as it can come across rather whiny and i’m sure people don’t want to constantly be reading about which body part is causing me the most pain each week but it is also important that I am open with how I really am on my blog, especially as this blog is about my struggles with HMS.

This week my pain has gone through my normal pain threshold and my back has become very unstable, along with my wrists which feel like someone is intermittently hitting them with hammers. This has made it very difficult to do a lot of things. I was lucky enough to get the majority of errands done yesterday with Aaron being off work but there is no way I could take Rocket out alone without help at the moment. I couldn’t even go out alone without knowing someone was there to help me if i needed. That’s how bad this week is.

Iv’e also been suffering from panic attacks, at least that is what I think they are? I get very shallow breathing and feel like I cant get enough oxygen into my body and it can be very frightening.

I have a friend (@geekisnewchic) who I value a lot who is very inspirational as she has been through a lot to cope with her pain and she is helping me have the courage to fight my pain on the path to accepting who I am and how to deal with life as it presents itself. Its a journey I am just beginning and it terrifies the hell out of me. Pain that is constant gets you so down, it invades your thoughts and tears away strips of your being until all you are is a shell of your former fun loving self which leads to feelings of guilt as you arn’t the wife or mother you long to be, you should be. That is how I feel.

I tried to get an appointment with my pain specialist but she is fully bookend until March! which is actually when my next appointment is anyway. So I called the doctor again this morning, I called yesterday about the same issue but today this doctor (a different one) was more understanding and has upped my muscle relaxants on top of my co codamol and a doctor is scheduled to call on Friday for a medication review and to see if I need to increase it even further. The only problem is they have the side effects of knocking me out and with a 2 year old that’s not always an option, so I am just hoping my body gets used to them enough to give me pain relief without the absolute need to sleep.

At the moment i’m on a codeine high which is a relief as along with the tizanidine it makes me feel ‘loved up’. I guess that’s the euphoric feeling of the opiates. A Lot better than curling in a ball feeling angry at the world in pain.

I guess the biggest thing I need to come to terms with is the fact that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. That is an upsetting thought but not something I can change.

I really wish there was a way I could get a grant or funding for the Gastric Bypass operation, after being turned down by the trust twice. Having a surgeon tell you it’s riskier not to do the operation than to do it really sticks in your head. I guess I can just keep applying.


7 thoughts on “Living with Chronic Pain.

  1. This is a brave post and I totally understand where you are coming from as I am a chronic pain sufferer myself. Its incredibly hard to accept the permanence of the situation and I’m not sure I have even 10 years on. My pain Dr helpfully pointed out that I would always suffer some element of back pain for throat rest of my life. I KNOW!! Doesn’t mean we don’t give up looking for a better pain control regimen though.

    • I’m sorry youre going through this aswell, i’m at 4 years of pain but I can imagine how 10 years plus really gets you down. Fingers crossed they will find a better way of managing our pain. Thanks for reading my blog xx

  2. I am not going to try to pretend that I know what you are going through I don’t but living with Mr L and seeing what he goes through, all I can say is you are not alone. He isn’t on any pain medication, just because the doctors don’t give him any they tell him to take Ibprofen and he is on AD instead! But I know he is pain everyday. That feeling when he wakes and I can literally see him grimacing to get out of bed that is not a body of a 25year old and it breaks my heart watching him in so much pain.

    As we have said so many times before the winter is bad, and it is not a good time. Compared to you he is really at the beginning of his journey and I know that we have a long way to go. But I will say he doesn’t like it but he has accepted that he is always going to be taking tablets. Since he has he has been a lot happier in himself, I think for a long time he thought there was a sure fire cure and unfortunately there just isn’t is there.

    The other thing that I wanted to say was that the paragraph where you say you aren’t the fun loving former self and that you feel guilty, Mr L feels that as well. But coming from the other half in this situation neither of you need to feel guilty. The ones that love you, ie. Aaron and I we love you for sickness and health remember that! There is nothing to feel guilty about ok just don’t forget that.

    All my love and I hope you get your meds sorted xxx

  3. Thankyou Kerry, you always know how to cheer me up. I know Aaron says he loves me for me. We (me and Mr L) are lucky to have you guys for support, I knowI’d struggle so much more if I was alone. It’s hard fr Aaron but he helps out wherever he can and takes Rocket in the evenings if I need to sleep early.
    I’m happy for Mr L that he is accepting, its a hard thing to do, though as ive said before I think his doctors should be helping him more and not fobbing him off with ibruprofen as the pin just gets worse.
    I hope next time I see you guys I can have anoother good chat with you two xx

  4. Honey I know that you want the pain to go away and to one day wake up free but until that miracle cure presents itself you have to fight.

    When I was told that I would never walk again I could have sat back and listened to that Dr but I said ‘screw you’ that’s not who I am and it certainly isnt how I want to spend the rest of my life.

    My journey hasn’t been easy and I’ve lost count of the number of nights I have cried and cried and cried because of how much it hurts but I’ve found that my small steps to normality are actually worth the pain. In some twisted way it makes me appreciate the things that I manage even more because of how hard I have to push myself just to perform normal tasks.

    We’ve both had a wobble this week but a wobble shared is a wobble halved.
    You can do it – I know you can. xx

  5. Hi honey, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too live in chronic pain, I used to be on all sorts of morphine based painkillers and couldn’t sit, stand or lie for any length of time. I saw the pain clinic and tried various alternatives but nothing helped. I started studying pain and it’s triggers on my own. I began to realise how it worked. I came off all my medication before trying for my first baby this was difficult but I had to. I then focussed on this and eventually the pain stopped being my main focus. Yes it still felt like someone was ramming a knife into me but I knew I had to get on with my life and eventually I noticed it less and less. This took me many years and I still have days the pain takes my breath away and I’m in tears but I have more good than bad days. I’m here for you honey always if you want to chat. Hugs xxx

  6. After being out or action for a few weeks last October with a wrenched muscle in my back I can appreciate what it’s like to be in pain, although not how you come to terms with there being no end to it. I admire you and all the women who’ve commented above who get on with their lives despite the contant battle. It’s not fair. You are an inspiration. xxx

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