I just wanted to write how i’m feeling and how I have been feeling really. I have always suffered with depression, since I was a teen and Ive always been and up and down person, I went through stages of being hyper and maybe a little more than too much in peoples faces although I have a heart of gold and i always meant well.

I have also always been too oversensitive and aware of things, just my personality I guess though definatly one of my flaws because I get hurt easily.

However recently something is different, something I can’t explain.

I went through a lot of loss last year, I so desperatley wanted a child, a family and i suffered losing 2 sets of twins and was told that it would be harder to get pregnant after losing one of my tubes due to an ectopic pregnancy…. however we carried on, desperate for that little smiley bundle that we dreamt of…

Well he is here, he is beautiful, perfect, cheeky…. real and I am so thankful that he is healthy, believe me as I never thought I would get there after last year… so why do I feel like this? and I feel so guilty.

My mind is in turmoil, things don’t seem real, like i’m in an alternate reality.. I can’t work out how I came to be here, my memory is so bad I can’t remember what happened a few days ago unless prompted.

My doctors don’t seem to care, Im on anti depressants as it is but i’m sure they are not working, even though my dose was upped. I get hot and panicy like I can’t breathe or like i’m going to forget too and I don’t seem to be able to cope. People tell me i’ma good mum but how can I believe them when I feel like this.

Yes i’m ashamed writing this but I just wanted you all to know how I feel, that I am hurting and finding things hard to cope and the reason I don’t tell many people is because I feel people wouldn’t take me seriously or understand.

I still know I have a fantastic 8 month old and a loving husband, I just wish I could cope better and be a better person for them.

Thanks for reading.

5 thoughts on “Emotions

  1. Honey I am going to DM you my mobile number if you ever need to chat. these symptoms of forgetfulness and hot panic and guilt are very similar If not identical to what I have experienced. It sounds like PND but you have suffered too long in silence – and yes you now have what you wanted but that doesn’t mean you can’t still grieve for your loss. I am sending you a huge cuddle and I will dm you my mobile number just in case x perhaps consider some grief councelling?xxx

  2. Don’t give up. Keep on trying at your doctors, because you can and will get better. Don’t be afraid to change the doctor you see at your surgery or even the surgery itself in search of care that works for you. If the doctors aren’t getting it right, ask for a referral to your community mental health team.
    In the past, I’ve found the health visitor more understanding than the GP and she’s gone on to help secure me the right type of care.
    You know where I am. x

  3. Aww sweetie,
    You ARE a great Mum, really you are, Luke is happy, healthy, very well looked after & loves his Mummy & Daddy. He is a handful (not naughty) and is into everything and I know you can’t take your eyes off him for a second but that is normal, please start trusting your instincts, you have been and will continue to be – amazing, we are so proud of you.
    Hopefully when Aaron is there permanently you will feel more settled, it’s not easy being the sole carer of a boisterous baby boy.
    You know we are here if you need us.
    Try not to dwell on things too much – I appreciate that is easy to say but give it a go, just go with the flow for the time being and enjoy being the great mum that you are.xx

  4. You are a brilliant mum never doubt that! You Aaron and Luke are one of the loveliest happiest families I have ever met. Luke is happy and gorgeous and you did that. It does sound to me like post natal depression and you need to change gps till you get one willing to help. It will be easier once Aaron is there full time and I know there’s nothing I or anyone else could say to cure your pain and loss but just look at Luke and realise how lucky you are, tell him all about his angel siblings too, I didn’t find out id lost a sister till I was 15 and I wouldn’t wish that shock on anyone. We all love you.
    If you need a chat you know where I am.

  5. Sweetie, have sent you an email, I read this after I saw your tweet.
    You are an incredible young woman, I had no idea about the losses that you have been through.
    Remember every day that you are wonderful and put your hand on your boy’s heart to remind you when you forget.
    Big hugs
    Michelle x

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