I just wanted to write how i’m feeling and how I have been feeling really. I have always suffered with depression, since I was a teen and Ive always been and up and down person, I went through stages of being hyper and maybe a little more than too much in peoples faces although I have a heart of gold and i always meant well.
I have also always been too oversensitive and aware of things, just my personality I guess though definatly one of my flaws because I get hurt easily.
However recently something is different, something I can’t explain.
I went through a lot of loss last year, I so desperatley wanted a child, a family and i suffered losing 2 sets of twins and was told that it would be harder to get pregnant after losing one of my tubes due to an ectopic pregnancy…. however we carried on, desperate for that little smiley bundle that we dreamt of…
Well he is here, he is beautiful, perfect, cheeky…. real and I am so thankful that he is healthy, believe me as I never thought I would get there after last year… so why do I feel like this? and I feel so guilty.
My mind is in turmoil, things don’t seem real, like i’m in an alternate reality.. I can’t work out how I came to be here, my memory is so bad I can’t remember what happened a few days ago unless prompted.
My doctors don’t seem to care, Im on anti depressants as it is but i’m sure they are not working, even though my dose was upped. I get hot and panicy like I can’t breathe or like i’m going to forget too and I don’t seem to be able to cope. People tell me i’ma good mum but how can I believe them when I feel like this.
Yes i’m ashamed writing this but I just wanted you all to know how I feel, that I am hurting and finding things hard to cope and the reason I don’t tell many people is because I feel people wouldn’t take me seriously or understand.
I still know I have a fantastic 8 month old and a loving husband, I just wish I could cope better and be a better person for them.
Thanks for reading.